Setting Forth

I can’t stand to be alone with my thoughts right now. Horrible things just keep playing in my head. Why him? Why now, when he was so happy. He was such an incredible person. He had so much to give and all the potential in the world. I pray to God he didn’t suffer, I couldn’t bear to believe that. I was on the way home from my service trip to Appalachia West Virginia when I found out. It felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. I couldn’t breathe, I felt sick to my stomach, and all I could say over again was “Oh god.”

The mind wanders to places one could never imagine. On that car ride home all I could do was sit and think. Over and over again I replayed the words, the regrets, for not knowing sooner and not being there. I felt selfish, I was still here and he was gone. I was in a place where I didn’t want to talk and I didn’t want to think. I just wanted to be numb.

I sat  and listened to the radio not knowing what else to do. Sometimes we look for answers in things that are not really there. I don’t know if this is what I was doing, grapsing on for any inch of hope or solace I could find but when the song started to play I hung on every word.

I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

I don’t know the answer to what comes after death but to hear these words and hope that he was comforting me, telling me everything would be okay, was all that I could hope for.

Evan I want you to know how amazing of a person you were and I feel so blessed to have met you and spent time with you. I always knew you were somebody that was destined for great things, perhaps you were meant for even greater things than any of us could have ever imagined. You are going to be missed so much.